New Year's Resolutions

Like many, I make new year's resolutions only to let those good intentions and efforts go by the wayside, and so I stopped making empty promises a few years ago. I still set goals and make task lists, but for the most part when I set intentions, I try to make changes that are small and doable. And if I don't follow through with an intention, especially if it really was too large to make a habit and stays with you as a regret, then I've tried to think that's okay and just try to be better the next time. It's why I like meditation. You can forget or think you're too busy to do it, but it's okay to come back to it and do it again. I have to ponder that beginner's mind and what that means.

Emerson's quote makes me remember why I love mornings and why I wake up optimistic. And that renewed hope is what I tried to regain when I went through my nervous breakdown a couple years ago.

Seriously, I was in a bad place. I thought I was gonna go through two breakups--one with the husband and the other with the boyfriend with whom I had an extramarital affair. I just wanted CHANGE. I was in a rut at work and wanting to run away, and I almost did to Washington where the on-again, off-again ex-boyfriend, now-boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend lives. But reason ruled the day. I decided to break up for good or as much as I could from a past that needed to not be resurrected. And I wanted and tried to reconcile with the husband, who almost, and rightfully so, was not gonna let me back into his heart. But I want to let love rule, and if I'm grateful for anything in this pandemic, it's him. Having a partner even if that reconciliation was fraught with challenges of hurt and grief has been a salve in this trying and unprecedented time. Our relationship has also been a lesson in empathy and compassion, and thankfully we share a a gallows humor that still connects us.

And after my annus horribilis and an agonizing summer of crying and fits of rage and of not making or creating, I came back to my job and cared again about keeping my job and making the work interesting again. Work is still a struggle. There are stretches of boredom and an inability to concentrate and disillusionment for whatever reasons and emotional sturm und drang, BUT there are also these fulfilling moments because I'm in a helping profession as a teacher and have been told or have seen that I really taught something valuable.  As a teacher librarian, it's my job to be surrounded by intellectual stimulation and having done it for a decade plus, I've survived and thrived and become able to control what kind of work I do. My personal hobbies are no longer in that imbalance where I use it to make myself feel better about my job. I think my hand building and sewing complement what I do for a paycheck. And yes my day job pays for that creative outlet. I'm okay with that. I've no wish to be a starving artist. I think I have evaluated my larger concerns and have dealt with them enough to now tackle some smaller resolutions. And I want to be able to sleep well. That's my resolution for 2021 which entails no more heavy drinking.

And really that one glass of wine which turned into three more afterward where I basically finished the whole bottle of Chardonnay really messes up a good night's sleep. And drinking was a way to be able to take in the local and national news in the evenings. And so this past new year's, I drank one margarita and then the next day one bloody Mary and that was it. I'm incapable however of being a teetotaler, and so I'm gonna experiment and see if I can just get away with sipping one glass of wine while cooking and with dinner and mainly on the weekends. And to make that habit of drinking in moderation stick, I've been finding alternatives to imbibing: herbal tea, sparkling water, lemonade, mulled cider, passionfruit juice, etc.